Dating Lessons from “Too Hot to Handle”

Contestants Melinda and Melvin share a laugh. Photo credit: Netflix

As a chronic reality show addict, I’ve heard a lot about how reality shows have ‘dumbed’ down TV. Sure, they may have reinforced unrealistic beauty standards, and given platforms to questionable people, but I think the beauty in reality shows is that they give us a way to escape our lives while being able to deep-dive into how strangers navigate the same situations we go through. Dare I say, they can even teach us lessons we may struggle to learn in real life.

Take this summer’s sexy new season of Netflix’s “Too Hot to Handle.” A hornier, international version of “Love Island,” “Too Hot to Handle” places several young, immature people in a private paradise with one promise: lots of hot, single people to hook up with. What contestants don’t realize is the retreat they signed up for is meant to test their emotional maturity in relationships where sex is banned. The person who has undergone the most emotional growth without indulging their hormonal urges will be rewarded with a cash prize — that is, if every participant can follow the rules and not fumble the bag.

While the show proves that the bar is still pretty low when it comes to dating, there’s a lot of opportunity for growth when it comes to building deep emotional bonds with others. Here are some of the lessons “Too Hot to Handle” teaches us this season:

1. Trying to make someone care makes you look dumb 

I think we can all agree that Melinda — gorgeous, stunning, funny and super confident Melinda — was acting a fool for a good half of the show thanks to her obsession with Marvin. The cringiest moment in the entire show goes to Melinda, who tries, unsuccessfully, to make Marvin jealous by getting in bed topless with fellow roommate, Peter. Peter was overjoyed at being able to share some quality time with Melinda, but she was a little busy trying to show off to Marvin what he was missing.  

The gag was: it was a turn off for Marvin. He barely showed any interest in calling her out and did not bite the bait. It’s a harsh reminder that when someone isn’t interested, no amount of manipulation on your end can force them to like you. If it does push someone to action, you should question if those feelings are even genuine. If you have to play games to get them to care, they never cared in the first place.

2. Sometimes people need time apart to realize what they really want

Melinda wanted Marvin bad. And Marvin was interested, but he was also interested in every other girl that came through the door. It took time apart and some brutally honest moments of introspection to realize that he was ready for a meaningful relationship, and the person he wanted it with was Melinda.

Same goes for Emily and Cam. When Cam shared his hesitations about relationships, he let Emily know that he needed time to face his fears and decide if he was ready for that next step. While they didn’t completely separate, Emily didn’t push him to have any more conversations about their status while he debated whether or not to pursue an official relationship with her.

Now, there’s such a thing as someone taking too much time to make a decision to commit, but ultimately, rushing others into a relationship that they’re not ready for is the easiest way to ruin the natural progression of a connection.

3. Unresolved trauma can lead to toxic patterns and behaviors

Irish cowboy Nathan shocked everyone when he revealed to Larissa that he’d previously been married. Even worse, his wife left him on Thanksgiving; he had to call his mother-in-law to find out she wasn’t coming back!

He painfully admitted that the humiliating experience of being cheated on pushed him to treat women horribly. He began trying to hurt his partners before they could hurt him.

By refusing to acknowledge when we’re hurt in failed relationships, the pain sometimes manifests in toxic behaviors and attitudes. One sure way to ruin a new relationship is by not leaving the past in the past.  

4. Try something (or someone) new

Sometimes what’s best for us isn’t what we think we want. Carly was committed to sticking to her type, and it ultimately led her to heartbreak. After reflecting and nursing her heart, she opened up to Joey, who she saw as a “nice” boy. Later she found herself slowly falling for Joey, all because she took a chance on a nice guy instead of her usual type.

This isn’t “nice guy” propaganda, but more so proof that sometimes going for someone outside your norm leads to pleasant surprises — like a relationship with a guy who isn’t 100% your type, but is a really great person. 

5. Stop avoiding confrontation

One of the biggest blow-ups in season two was Carly trying to tell Chase she needed more from him, only for Chase to immediately call things off and walk away. This tension dragged on for several days until Carly was finally given the chance to call out Chase.

Chase was surprised to hear how hurt Carly was, and how wrong it was for him to have dismissed her feelings by not communicating with her. It’s a reminder that avoiding uncomfortable discussions isn’t the right way to ‘keep the peace.’ It’s a careless tactic that says you don’t prioritize people or their feelings. No one wants to be with someone who can’t be bothered to make an effort to listen and be present, even if what they’re being told is hard to hear.

6. How someone else treats you says more about them than you

A huge breakthrough in the Marvin-Melinda situationship came when Marvin discovered having an absent father led him to prematurely assume domestic responsibilities. He never learned how to be with a woman and respect her.

Recognizing that his mother struggled as a single woman made Marvin realize he had to treat women better. It’s proof that a lot of Marvin’s behavior didn’t have anything to do with Melinda. It was more about how the lack of examples of healthy romantic partnerships in his life led him to treat women poorly.

7. You’re lovable, even while struggling to love yourself

There’s a common notion that no one can love you if you don’t love yourself…and I don’t know if that’s fully true. All of the girls at some point shared insecurities from previous relationships, and that their self-confidence at times had been very low. But they all still put themselves out there to get to know the guys and pursue deeper connections with them.

They learned that while they were works in progress, it didn’t make them less worthy of love. Some of them needed the opportunity to care for someone else in order to learn to honor their own boundaries, voice their concerns, and be patient with themselves. When we do this we demonstrate self-love and self-respect. So, no, you don’t need to be a self-love guru to be fit for a relationship. You can still have moments when you struggle with self-acceptance. It doesn’t make you any less worthy of being loved, respected and adored.