Circling Back to Exes
By now you’re probably well aware of, or maybe even sick of hearing about the recent resurgence of Bennifer, or, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez respectively. Since JLo split from ARod she’s been seen out and about with her ex, Ben, for the past few weeks. I won’t spend time here dissecting Jen and Ben but it’s prompted me to think about the concept of giving an old relationship a new spin. There are so many social messages that discourage us from going back to our past partners, but is reconnecting with a former flame ever a healthy choice? We did some research to see what experts have to say about it.
Reevaluate the Relationship
Dr. Jenn Mann lists remorse, responsibility, recognition, and remedy as four points to evaluate before deciding to reconnect with an ex. First, heartfelt apologies must be handed out where appropriate. Secondly, both parties must take accountability for the impact of their past behavior. Next is recognizing or acknowledging each other’s feelings and making sure you both feel seen and heard. Lastly, implement a plan of action to avoid repeating old mistakes.
Forgiveness Means Letting Go
"You absolutely must leave the past in the past, learn from it by all means but don’t bring it up in the heat of an argument,” says relationship expert Annabelle Knight. “Opening up old wounds for the sake of a quick win will only damage your chances of making things work. To try again you must be willing and able to move on if you’re to have any hope of having a future together.”
What Are Your Intentions?
Natasha Briefel poses some important questions: "Why is it that you want to get back with your ex? Do you truly miss them and want to be together? Or do you just want somebody to chat to or a familiar face to comfort you? Have you had enough time to see what else is out there, and get to know other people? Perhaps you’re longing for love after over a year in lockdown? It’s crucial to think about your intentions before you make that step, and to consider your ex’s feelings, too." This leads to the next point…👇🏽
Are You & Your Ex on the Same Page?
It’s crucial to have direct, honest communication about what each party expects from the new situation. Does one person hope for a future or do you both want something casual? Dating coach Natalie Lue says, “We have to be careful of letting ourselves be used by exes.” Consider this passage from Swell:
There are some classic signs that you and your ex aren’t on the same page. “The biggie is people staying friends,” says Lue. If you or your ex say you want to just be friends, but you feel upset about the breakup, jealous of other people they’re seeing, don’t want them to get involved in a new relationship, or secretly hope they will want to get back with you after some time, that’s not a healthy friendship.
Restarting a relationship can work when all the right factors are aligned. As long as the foundation of the coupling is respect and a desire to make it work, anything is possible, despite negative connotations of “backsliding.” Do what works for you and do it with conviction—only you know what truly makes you happy. Take it from JLo, a woman who’s proven again and again that she knows what she wants and how to get it.
